Each of us has its own destiny. We all have a vocation that waits in our tomorrow. Some of us choose to journey the life of building its own family, while others prefer to travel this world alone and live a single life. In a way or another some chooses to serve the almighty creator. Yes, they chose to travel the road less traveled.
“Many are called, but few are chosen”. This is the most appropriate saying for our priest as what I have observed. You see, many students tried to enter a seminary but only few, can be counted in fingers that really finish it ‘till its end. Few make it to ordination because the demands to them are such that most of them give up.
I remember last year, I have the opportunity to meet some seminarians. They’ve been my classmate in one of my minor subjects. I’ve also had the chance to talk to one of them and he shares to me some of his sentiments. And as what I’ve observed some students only took for granted their being seminarians. (Sorry for those dedicated ones, I’m referring to those who might get hurt of the truth.) Some of these seminarians had poor English grammar and can’t even answer their test papers correctly. Some can’t resist the test of temptations and were seen dating even inside the library. (Well, they’re just humans.)
Also some of our priest left the ministry after some years of service. Isn’t it sad to hear? But sometimes instead of finding out the reason why they left, we condemn them. We often judge them and lose our respect with them. Do we consider their feelings? Do we feel a bit of sympathy for them?
The life of being a priest was not that easy, even that of students who are studying or taking the path of priesthood. I know not because I’m a priest but because in this world, life is always with hard things.
They are also humans who share with us the conflicts that this hazy world brings. They commit the same mistakes with us. They are not men of steel or aluminum that can be controlled by remote controls. They were also molded through God’s miracles. And they have a really tough and long training which we never know how. Their journey matters most with great deal of discipline and dedication. A series of cleansing strategy and spiritual torture was given as a test for them. Before they were ordained they have to come into deeper thoughts and full acceptance. Maybe they have questioned themselves not just a hundred times but a thousand times before going it through.
They are deeply sensitive. But because of the society they’re in, they hamper themselves and disguise their feelings pretty well. When they’re hurt or lonely, they keep what they felt only for themselves. Truly they also have some friends, but only few of their problems can they open up to. They seem so distant. We mistakenly perceived them as being strong and not needing any help except for financial matters of the church purpose.
We really truly never care for their feelings because we are expecting too much from them. We go to them for aid and comfort, and they give it to us everyday, week after week, after month, after years, every time we run to them. Do you think our priest can handles all our problems? Yes maybe. But they can be drained also.
Some can set off for decades before reaching the end of the road. We will go on losing more and more of them if we continue to be insensitive of their own needs. They our not indestructible, they have care, emotional and loving needs that must received.
Being a priest or studying for priesthood calls for lifetime heroism. Not all can be heroes until they are emotionally and spiritually engaged. Until we too, provide answers to their needs. They go only when they can no longer hold on the loneliness, fatigue and emotional draining of their inner resources.
So let’s pray for them. Pray for our priests. They are our walls to lean on so as we for them. God bless us all.
Miyerkules, Mayo 18, 2011
The Letter
The rain pours heavily. The thunder and lightning roar and strike at once. However, it does not make me curl myself to sleep. Instead, I stay awake the whole night. I can’t get over holding his picture frame in my hand. His laughter still echoes in my ears. I could still feel the warmth of his embrace. And remembering those moments I shared with him makes me burst in tears. I felt guilty…
It was my college graduation when I met him again. For three years since mom died, it was the first time that I felt I was not alone. After talking to my grandparents, who served as my parents since then, they allowed me to live with him. They said it was the time for me to feel the love I’ve been longing for. And so did I.
During those days that we are together, I felt so much love that I thought would never end. He never forced me to find a job. He just let me do everything that I want. As days passed by, I found out one thing about him. He was so protective of me. He never wanted me to leave his sight. Every time I went out with my friends, he wanted me to tell all the details me and my friends are doing. It was as if I could not breathe. I felt the rebel inside me.
And so one time, I went with my friends somewhere out of town without telling him. I just left a note at his room saying, “Gotta hang out with my friends. See you soon. Mwuaah.”
When we arrived in my friend’s hometown, I opened my phone to be shocked of a lot of messages from him. I know his mad, but I felt I won over him that time. Instead of replying to his message, I switched off my phone. Four in the afternoon the next day, when my friends and I decided to be back home. As my car parked at the garage, I saw him standing at the main door. I got off the car and went directly to him.
“How could you do this to me Maricel? I was so worried of you. Are you thinking of that?” He said furiously.
“I’ve left you a letter, hadn’t I?” I said quite raising my voice.
“Is it enough? Do you think that letter would take away my worries? I was thinking if you have eaten your meal. I’m afraid of the thought that something might happen to you. I was…”
“Oh common! I’m old enough to take care of myself. You don’t have to worry at me as if I am still five years old. Besides, I had learned to live my life without you. Why do you have to come and manipulate my life? I do not need you! Just leave me alone!” I said, shouting.
PAK! For the first time he laid a hand on me. Never that my mom nor my grandparents did. I was shocked, more than terrified.
“I’m sorry sweetie. I never meant it. It just that… You can’t tell me to stop worrying at you. I love you and I’d promised…”
Oh yeah? You love me? That’s why you slapped me?” I sarcastically said as I went back to my car and drove off. Unaware I was driving so fast, I hadn’t noticed the ten-wheeler truck at the intersection. I was almost hit when a blue car had overtaken at me, which collided to the truck. I stepped on the brake and tried to turn the wheel at the right. My car bumps on the post beneath the street. Everything went blurred but I managed to gaze at the man inside a blue car. It was him.
When I woke up, I was in a hospital. My grandparents are the first persons I saw near the bed. Grandma sat beside hugged me and in between sobs, she said, “He’s gone Maricel. He’s gone.”
The rain hadn’t stop yet. Here I am, still holding his frame. Beside it was a small box and a letter with my name on it. I took the letter and read it.
Sweetie,
“ I always wanted to be with you. I still can’t forget the day you showed me your first smile. I was the happiest man in land. It seems like an angel has come and brightens my day. You and your mom was my life. I don’t want to end the day without you by my side.
But things should not be that way always. You had grown up and I have to work so I could provide you all your needs. Even if that means losing my chance to be with you, and how you will grow, I left to Saudi Arabia with a broken heart. But in my mind and in my heart, I have to convince myself that the reason of this all is for your own good.
When your mom died, I think that a part of me was lost. A part of my life was taken and I almost end my own life too. However, your face lingers in me. I have to move on, for my angel. I have to continue my life so I could still give all the things you want. Seeing you receiving your diploma makes me a proud dad. I felt that all my sacrifices are all worth it.
I had decided to renew my contract again, sweetie. I felt like I’d interrupted your life. we’re so close yet, I felt like something was putting a distance between us two. I may be leaving again, but I will always love you. And I know this time, you can already stand by your own.
But before I’ll leave I want to give something to you.This necklace was my gift to your mom on our first wedding anniversary. I hope you’ll take care of this as what your mom did. I love you so much, sweetie.”
Love,
Daddy
P.S. Hopefully, I will see you wearing it, my baby.
I can’t hold back my tears. A feeling of guilt and regret cover me. The least thing I can do now. Yet, for it’s too late, too late for me to say that I understand him now. That I love him too.
It was my college graduation when I met him again. For three years since mom died, it was the first time that I felt I was not alone. After talking to my grandparents, who served as my parents since then, they allowed me to live with him. They said it was the time for me to feel the love I’ve been longing for. And so did I.
During those days that we are together, I felt so much love that I thought would never end. He never forced me to find a job. He just let me do everything that I want. As days passed by, I found out one thing about him. He was so protective of me. He never wanted me to leave his sight. Every time I went out with my friends, he wanted me to tell all the details me and my friends are doing. It was as if I could not breathe. I felt the rebel inside me.
And so one time, I went with my friends somewhere out of town without telling him. I just left a note at his room saying, “Gotta hang out with my friends. See you soon. Mwuaah.”
When we arrived in my friend’s hometown, I opened my phone to be shocked of a lot of messages from him. I know his mad, but I felt I won over him that time. Instead of replying to his message, I switched off my phone. Four in the afternoon the next day, when my friends and I decided to be back home. As my car parked at the garage, I saw him standing at the main door. I got off the car and went directly to him.
“How could you do this to me Maricel? I was so worried of you. Are you thinking of that?” He said furiously.
“I’ve left you a letter, hadn’t I?” I said quite raising my voice.
“Is it enough? Do you think that letter would take away my worries? I was thinking if you have eaten your meal. I’m afraid of the thought that something might happen to you. I was…”
“Oh common! I’m old enough to take care of myself. You don’t have to worry at me as if I am still five years old. Besides, I had learned to live my life without you. Why do you have to come and manipulate my life? I do not need you! Just leave me alone!” I said, shouting.
PAK! For the first time he laid a hand on me. Never that my mom nor my grandparents did. I was shocked, more than terrified.
“I’m sorry sweetie. I never meant it. It just that… You can’t tell me to stop worrying at you. I love you and I’d promised…”
Oh yeah? You love me? That’s why you slapped me?” I sarcastically said as I went back to my car and drove off. Unaware I was driving so fast, I hadn’t noticed the ten-wheeler truck at the intersection. I was almost hit when a blue car had overtaken at me, which collided to the truck. I stepped on the brake and tried to turn the wheel at the right. My car bumps on the post beneath the street. Everything went blurred but I managed to gaze at the man inside a blue car. It was him.
When I woke up, I was in a hospital. My grandparents are the first persons I saw near the bed. Grandma sat beside hugged me and in between sobs, she said, “He’s gone Maricel. He’s gone.”
The rain hadn’t stop yet. Here I am, still holding his frame. Beside it was a small box and a letter with my name on it. I took the letter and read it.
Sweetie,
“ I always wanted to be with you. I still can’t forget the day you showed me your first smile. I was the happiest man in land. It seems like an angel has come and brightens my day. You and your mom was my life. I don’t want to end the day without you by my side.
But things should not be that way always. You had grown up and I have to work so I could provide you all your needs. Even if that means losing my chance to be with you, and how you will grow, I left to Saudi Arabia with a broken heart. But in my mind and in my heart, I have to convince myself that the reason of this all is for your own good.
When your mom died, I think that a part of me was lost. A part of my life was taken and I almost end my own life too. However, your face lingers in me. I have to move on, for my angel. I have to continue my life so I could still give all the things you want. Seeing you receiving your diploma makes me a proud dad. I felt that all my sacrifices are all worth it.
I had decided to renew my contract again, sweetie. I felt like I’d interrupted your life. we’re so close yet, I felt like something was putting a distance between us two. I may be leaving again, but I will always love you. And I know this time, you can already stand by your own.
But before I’ll leave I want to give something to you.This necklace was my gift to your mom on our first wedding anniversary. I hope you’ll take care of this as what your mom did. I love you so much, sweetie.”
Love,
Daddy
P.S. Hopefully, I will see you wearing it, my baby.
I can’t hold back my tears. A feeling of guilt and regret cover me. The least thing I can do now. Yet, for it’s too late, too late for me to say that I understand him now. That I love him too.
Salamin ng Buhay
“ Ano ang nakikita mo sa salamin?”
Dahan-dahan akong lumapit. Tiningnan ko… Tumambad sa aking harapan ang mukhang nakabalot ng benda. Hinimas- himas ko ito ng maramdaman kong lumamlam ang aking mga mata. Unti-unting tumulo ang mga luhang sinusubukan kong pigilan. Kasabay nito ay pagbabalik tanaw ng isang alaala.
Nakilala ko si Abby noong unang taon ko sa kolehiyo. Pareho kaming kumukuha ng Mass Communication kaya madali kaming nagkapalagayan ng loob. Nagkataon rin kasing pareho kami ng mga gusto.
Simple lang si Abby. Pareho kaming mataas, morena at may mahabang buhok. Sa antas ng pamumuhay lang siguro kami nagkaiba at siguro sa pamilya na rin. Dalawa lamang kami ng aking ina ang namumuhay. Nabibilang kami sa sinasabing maykaya samantalang si Abby ay nakapag-aral lamang dahil sa tulong ng kanyang tiyahin. Ngunit hindi iyon naging dahilan upang masira ang aming pagkakaibigan.
Lumipas ang ilang taon, malapit na kaming magtapos. Dahil nasa ikaapat na taon na kami, mayroon kaming “OJT (on job training).” Palibhasa nasanay kaming palaging magkasama, pinilit namin ang aming guro na sa iisang kompanya lang kami magtatrabaho at natupad naman iyon.
Sobrang saya namin ng magsimula na ang aming OJT. Madali kaming naging malapit sa aming mga katrabaho. Akala pa nga nila magkakambal kami ni Abby dahil magkahawig daw. Pinagtawanan lang namin sila at hinayaan sa kanilang paniniwala. Sa mga araw na patuloy ang aming “OJT” nakilala namin si Mark. Isa siyang layout artist sa kompanyang aming pinapasukan. Una silang naging magkaibigan ni Abby. Nang ipakilala niya ako kay Mark, naging magaan agad ang loob ko dito. Lumipas pa ang mga araw nanligaw siya sa akin. Agad ko itong sinabi kay Abby. Sinabi ko rin sa kanya na bago kami magtapos ay sasagutin ko si Mark.
Araw ng aming pagtatapos, pinakilala ko si Mark sa aking ina. Maya-maya pa nakita ko si Abby kasama ang kanyang ina. Lumapit kami sa kanila ngunit nag-atubili si ina. Sinabi niyang umuwi na lang daw kami. Naunang pumunta ang aking ina sa sasakyan samantalang nilapitan ko si Abby at niyaya silang mag-ina na pumunta sa aming bahay dahil may hinandang konting salu-salo para sa aking pagtatapos. Nakisabay si Abby sa amin at habang nasa daan, doon ko sinabi sa kanya na kami na ni Mark. Ngumiti lamang siya at binati kami ngunit nakapagtataka na parang hindi ko naramdaman na siya’y masaya.
Nang dumating kami sa bahay, tinawag kaming dalawa ni Abby ng aking ina. May pinakita siyang larawan kay Abby at tinanong kong ito ang kanyang ama. Ganun na lamang ang pagkabigla ko nang sabihin niyang “oo”. Hindi ako makapaniwala dahil iyon din ang aking ama. Pareho kami ng ama ni Abby. Dahil sa kabiglaan, di ko namalayang nakalabas na si Abby. Maya-maya pa, humahangos na pumasok si Mark at sinabing nabundol si Abby sa harapan mismo nang aming bahay.
“Nakakatawa no?” tinig iyon ni Abby na nagpabalik sa aking alaala. Binisita ko siya sa hospital dalawang linggo matapos ang aksidenteng iyon. Tiningnan ko siyang muli sa salamin. Umiiyak rin siya.
“Bakit ganun?”, tanong niya. “Lahat na lang nasa sa iyo. Ang kagandahan, ang karangyaan, si Mark pati pa ba ang ama ko? Alam mo ba kong bakit sa kabila ng kagustuhan kong magpagupit na buhok ay di ko ginawa? Dahil gusto kong maging katulad mo. Gusto kong maramdaman ang paghanga nang mga tao tulad ng ginagawa nila sa’yo. Gusto kong sabihin nila na masuwerte din ako. Pero bakit pati ama ko, ama mo rin? Kahit kailan di naging malapit sa akin si itay. Palagi niyang pinamumukha sa akin na hindi niya ako gusto. Na pinilit lamang siya ni ina na pakasalan siya at tinakot na ipapatay sa mga kamag-anak niyang mga pusakal. Palagi rin niyang sinasabi sa akin na mayroon siyang anak. Na buntis ang kanyang kasintahan ng mabuntis niya si ina dahil sa pikot. Alam mo ba? Kinamumuhian ko ang batang iyon, na ikaw pala. Ikaw ang palagi niyang inaalala. Ikaw ang palagi niyang kinukuwento at hindi ako. Kinamumuhian kita. . Pero mas gustong manaig ng pagmamahal ko sa iyo bilang mabuting kaibigan
Nilapitan ko siya at niyakap. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang aking sasabihin. Isa lang ang alam ko, mahal ko siya at napuno ang pananabik ko sa isang kapatid. Dahil alam ko, pagkatapos nito magiging masaya ulit kami. Dahil hindi lamang kami basta magkaibigan. Iisa rin ang dugong nanalaytay sa aming katawan.
Dahan-dahan akong lumapit. Tiningnan ko… Tumambad sa aking harapan ang mukhang nakabalot ng benda. Hinimas- himas ko ito ng maramdaman kong lumamlam ang aking mga mata. Unti-unting tumulo ang mga luhang sinusubukan kong pigilan. Kasabay nito ay pagbabalik tanaw ng isang alaala.
Nakilala ko si Abby noong unang taon ko sa kolehiyo. Pareho kaming kumukuha ng Mass Communication kaya madali kaming nagkapalagayan ng loob. Nagkataon rin kasing pareho kami ng mga gusto.
Simple lang si Abby. Pareho kaming mataas, morena at may mahabang buhok. Sa antas ng pamumuhay lang siguro kami nagkaiba at siguro sa pamilya na rin. Dalawa lamang kami ng aking ina ang namumuhay. Nabibilang kami sa sinasabing maykaya samantalang si Abby ay nakapag-aral lamang dahil sa tulong ng kanyang tiyahin. Ngunit hindi iyon naging dahilan upang masira ang aming pagkakaibigan.
Lumipas ang ilang taon, malapit na kaming magtapos. Dahil nasa ikaapat na taon na kami, mayroon kaming “OJT (on job training).” Palibhasa nasanay kaming palaging magkasama, pinilit namin ang aming guro na sa iisang kompanya lang kami magtatrabaho at natupad naman iyon.
Sobrang saya namin ng magsimula na ang aming OJT. Madali kaming naging malapit sa aming mga katrabaho. Akala pa nga nila magkakambal kami ni Abby dahil magkahawig daw. Pinagtawanan lang namin sila at hinayaan sa kanilang paniniwala. Sa mga araw na patuloy ang aming “OJT” nakilala namin si Mark. Isa siyang layout artist sa kompanyang aming pinapasukan. Una silang naging magkaibigan ni Abby. Nang ipakilala niya ako kay Mark, naging magaan agad ang loob ko dito. Lumipas pa ang mga araw nanligaw siya sa akin. Agad ko itong sinabi kay Abby. Sinabi ko rin sa kanya na bago kami magtapos ay sasagutin ko si Mark.
Araw ng aming pagtatapos, pinakilala ko si Mark sa aking ina. Maya-maya pa nakita ko si Abby kasama ang kanyang ina. Lumapit kami sa kanila ngunit nag-atubili si ina. Sinabi niyang umuwi na lang daw kami. Naunang pumunta ang aking ina sa sasakyan samantalang nilapitan ko si Abby at niyaya silang mag-ina na pumunta sa aming bahay dahil may hinandang konting salu-salo para sa aking pagtatapos. Nakisabay si Abby sa amin at habang nasa daan, doon ko sinabi sa kanya na kami na ni Mark. Ngumiti lamang siya at binati kami ngunit nakapagtataka na parang hindi ko naramdaman na siya’y masaya.
Nang dumating kami sa bahay, tinawag kaming dalawa ni Abby ng aking ina. May pinakita siyang larawan kay Abby at tinanong kong ito ang kanyang ama. Ganun na lamang ang pagkabigla ko nang sabihin niyang “oo”. Hindi ako makapaniwala dahil iyon din ang aking ama. Pareho kami ng ama ni Abby. Dahil sa kabiglaan, di ko namalayang nakalabas na si Abby. Maya-maya pa, humahangos na pumasok si Mark at sinabing nabundol si Abby sa harapan mismo nang aming bahay.
“Nakakatawa no?” tinig iyon ni Abby na nagpabalik sa aking alaala. Binisita ko siya sa hospital dalawang linggo matapos ang aksidenteng iyon. Tiningnan ko siyang muli sa salamin. Umiiyak rin siya.
“Bakit ganun?”, tanong niya. “Lahat na lang nasa sa iyo. Ang kagandahan, ang karangyaan, si Mark pati pa ba ang ama ko? Alam mo ba kong bakit sa kabila ng kagustuhan kong magpagupit na buhok ay di ko ginawa? Dahil gusto kong maging katulad mo. Gusto kong maramdaman ang paghanga nang mga tao tulad ng ginagawa nila sa’yo. Gusto kong sabihin nila na masuwerte din ako. Pero bakit pati ama ko, ama mo rin? Kahit kailan di naging malapit sa akin si itay. Palagi niyang pinamumukha sa akin na hindi niya ako gusto. Na pinilit lamang siya ni ina na pakasalan siya at tinakot na ipapatay sa mga kamag-anak niyang mga pusakal. Palagi rin niyang sinasabi sa akin na mayroon siyang anak. Na buntis ang kanyang kasintahan ng mabuntis niya si ina dahil sa pikot. Alam mo ba? Kinamumuhian ko ang batang iyon, na ikaw pala. Ikaw ang palagi niyang inaalala. Ikaw ang palagi niyang kinukuwento at hindi ako. Kinamumuhian kita. . Pero mas gustong manaig ng pagmamahal ko sa iyo bilang mabuting kaibigan
Nilapitan ko siya at niyakap. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang aking sasabihin. Isa lang ang alam ko, mahal ko siya at napuno ang pananabik ko sa isang kapatid. Dahil alam ko, pagkatapos nito magiging masaya ulit kami. Dahil hindi lamang kami basta magkaibigan. Iisa rin ang dugong nanalaytay sa aming katawan.
RADJAI...
" I can't pretend that I'm just a friend,
Coz I'm thinking maybe we were meant to be.
I think I'm fallin',
Fallin' in love with you...
And I don't, I don't know what to do
I'm afraid you'd turn away
But I'll say it anyway..."
I stood up and went near thewindow. The song made me feel nostalgic. It made me remember someone – Radjai,my bestfriend.
Radjai and I were both chosen as new staffers in our school paper. Our first ever assignment was to feature anything about extra ordinary friendship. Since we don't know how to make it better and we don't know anyone who are best of friends, we pretend to be one.Funny, but what we did on our article dwells more on our imagination ratherthat proofs of how true friends really exist.
After that article, our pretensions as best friends became real. We share secrets and life's happenings most of thetime. We usually made gossips (just the two of us) about our co-staffers' mannerisms, latest issues in school, etc. Well, just for fun, no big deal.Sometimes we bully each other, teasing each ones crushes and funny experiences.
As days go by, it feels like my world only revolved around him. Time came that I could easily predict if he's angry or sad. I could determine if something's bothering him. I could say I understand what he thinks even by just looking at his eyes. I knew him well, so well that even if my eyes are closed my heart can feel if he's just right by my side. Until I realize that I'm falling in love with my best friend.
One day, Radjai brought me to the top of the Oomen building when it was still renovated as the HRM lab. We sat at the farthwst corner of the building where we could see the whole of town. He then pointed me the top of the church and said, "You know what Faith, that's where I'll gonna marry the woman I love someday." With a fake smile, I turned to him, "Oh really? Who is she? Do I know her?" Unfortunately, he just smiled at me, "She's a woman who makes me complete." I was jealous. I was hurt. I hate that girl who took Radjai's attention away from me.But still I have to pretend that I'm happy for him. I hugged him and said, "Hope I would meet that girl in days to come."
I don't know if he noticed me teary-eyed that he said, "Yah, I wish i could tell you now. But it should be a secret first. I'm afraid she might not believe me. I'm afraid to be rejected, Faith. You know. Don't worry; if i'll have the courage to do so, you're the first person to know."...
And that was our last conversation.The following days, I became busy preparing for my graduation day. We seldom see each other. And if by chance we met by the corridor, we merely say hello and then part ways.
Our graduation day came, but Radjai hadn't shown me his shadow. I thought that he would be there for me since I'd be graduating first. But the program finished yet no Radjai greeted me.
Broken hearted i went home with a heavy heart. I was thinking of what will i say if we met the next day (Hoping he would see me to apologize for not attending my graduation.) But the next daycame, next, then the next until weeks passed by, but yet no Radjai came.
After almost a month, his cousin came into our house and gave me a box. Inside were a small square box and a tape recorder. As i opened the tape, i heard Radjai's voice...
"Hey best, Congratulations! You are now a step away from your ambition. Come to think of it, few more years and you'll be the next Secretary of Education of the Philippines. Hehe. Am i right? Oh! I think it's the next Commissioner of CHED. Whatever, i know you can do it. I'm so sorry if I haven't been in your graduation. I'm so sorry.
I was thinking i haven't told you WHO SHE is. I mean that girl i've told you who made me complete. Well, she's the girl who's always been with me. The girl who knew my crushes and everything i am. She cares for me a lot that i haven't got the chance to tell her she's my life. You know what; she's the girl i brought at the top of the Oomen building.She's you best... and I'm sorry if I haven't had the courage to tell you so. I'm afraid you'd turn away, just what you always sing. Remember that fallin' song? Besides i won't be staying long by your side. I can't be there to share your happy moments anymore. I don't wanna say "I MAHAL you" and just left you behind when my day has to end. I know i'm dying. I had a brain tumor, Faith. We transferred here for the reason that i don't want my friends in the city found out my situation. I don't want to see them sad for me or what. Never thinking that i would meet here the one who'll made me fall in love.
Well, maybe that's my fate. Our fate. I may not be there to comfort you anymore but may my love be your guidance and comfort everyday. I MAHAL you."
... The song's slowly fading. I went near the radio and turned it off. The pain's still here. My heart still ache. I was dumb. I wanted to hate Radjai for not telling me, it's me. Saying I MAHAL YOU was now too late. Stupid fate. We could have the happiest moment in our lives if only we had known we feel the same.
No more chances. There's no way for regret anymore. I looked up the sky. I felt my tears fall as i whispered, "Oh God, send my LOVE to HEAVEN."
Coz I'm thinking maybe we were meant to be.
I think I'm fallin',
Fallin' in love with you...
And I don't, I don't know what to do
I'm afraid you'd turn away
But I'll say it anyway..."
I stood up and went near thewindow. The song made me feel nostalgic. It made me remember someone – Radjai,my bestfriend.
Radjai and I were both chosen as new staffers in our school paper. Our first ever assignment was to feature anything about extra ordinary friendship. Since we don't know how to make it better and we don't know anyone who are best of friends, we pretend to be one.Funny, but what we did on our article dwells more on our imagination ratherthat proofs of how true friends really exist.
After that article, our pretensions as best friends became real. We share secrets and life's happenings most of thetime. We usually made gossips (just the two of us) about our co-staffers' mannerisms, latest issues in school, etc. Well, just for fun, no big deal.Sometimes we bully each other, teasing each ones crushes and funny experiences.
As days go by, it feels like my world only revolved around him. Time came that I could easily predict if he's angry or sad. I could determine if something's bothering him. I could say I understand what he thinks even by just looking at his eyes. I knew him well, so well that even if my eyes are closed my heart can feel if he's just right by my side. Until I realize that I'm falling in love with my best friend.
One day, Radjai brought me to the top of the Oomen building when it was still renovated as the HRM lab. We sat at the farthwst corner of the building where we could see the whole of town. He then pointed me the top of the church and said, "You know what Faith, that's where I'll gonna marry the woman I love someday." With a fake smile, I turned to him, "Oh really? Who is she? Do I know her?" Unfortunately, he just smiled at me, "She's a woman who makes me complete." I was jealous. I was hurt. I hate that girl who took Radjai's attention away from me.But still I have to pretend that I'm happy for him. I hugged him and said, "Hope I would meet that girl in days to come."
I don't know if he noticed me teary-eyed that he said, "Yah, I wish i could tell you now. But it should be a secret first. I'm afraid she might not believe me. I'm afraid to be rejected, Faith. You know. Don't worry; if i'll have the courage to do so, you're the first person to know."...
And that was our last conversation.The following days, I became busy preparing for my graduation day. We seldom see each other. And if by chance we met by the corridor, we merely say hello and then part ways.
Our graduation day came, but Radjai hadn't shown me his shadow. I thought that he would be there for me since I'd be graduating first. But the program finished yet no Radjai greeted me.
Broken hearted i went home with a heavy heart. I was thinking of what will i say if we met the next day (Hoping he would see me to apologize for not attending my graduation.) But the next daycame, next, then the next until weeks passed by, but yet no Radjai came.
After almost a month, his cousin came into our house and gave me a box. Inside were a small square box and a tape recorder. As i opened the tape, i heard Radjai's voice...
"Hey best, Congratulations! You are now a step away from your ambition. Come to think of it, few more years and you'll be the next Secretary of Education of the Philippines. Hehe. Am i right? Oh! I think it's the next Commissioner of CHED. Whatever, i know you can do it. I'm so sorry if I haven't been in your graduation. I'm so sorry.
I was thinking i haven't told you WHO SHE is. I mean that girl i've told you who made me complete. Well, she's the girl who's always been with me. The girl who knew my crushes and everything i am. She cares for me a lot that i haven't got the chance to tell her she's my life. You know what; she's the girl i brought at the top of the Oomen building.She's you best... and I'm sorry if I haven't had the courage to tell you so. I'm afraid you'd turn away, just what you always sing. Remember that fallin' song? Besides i won't be staying long by your side. I can't be there to share your happy moments anymore. I don't wanna say "I MAHAL you" and just left you behind when my day has to end. I know i'm dying. I had a brain tumor, Faith. We transferred here for the reason that i don't want my friends in the city found out my situation. I don't want to see them sad for me or what. Never thinking that i would meet here the one who'll made me fall in love.
Well, maybe that's my fate. Our fate. I may not be there to comfort you anymore but may my love be your guidance and comfort everyday. I MAHAL you."
... The song's slowly fading. I went near the radio and turned it off. The pain's still here. My heart still ache. I was dumb. I wanted to hate Radjai for not telling me, it's me. Saying I MAHAL YOU was now too late. Stupid fate. We could have the happiest moment in our lives if only we had known we feel the same.
No more chances. There's no way for regret anymore. I looked up the sky. I felt my tears fall as i whispered, "Oh God, send my LOVE to HEAVEN."
love, lost,laugh,lie, loss, lessons... :D
i'd embraced your LOVE,
thinking it was mine alone.
even against odds
i'd promised to have you in my life.
i thought you're the one
but i was wrong....
and then you're gone.
you just left,
without leaving any traces.
i searched for you
but i was LOST
and got nowhere to go.
i have to admit
the pain you caused is unbearable.
but i have to LAUGH
just to hide my broken heart...
still i see u in my dreams
and even if i'm wide awake.
the warmth of your hug,
the sweetness of your kiss.
how i missed those things.
but then, i end up with a cry
because what you made me feel
was nothing but a LIE..
i grief upon this LOSS,
but maybe that's how love moves,-
with laughter and tears,
with pain and sufferings.
now, the LESSON to me is clear
and i learned it very well.
it's no use wasting my tears in you.
Because someday,
someone will come and will love me
not like the way you do...
thinking it was mine alone.
even against odds
i'd promised to have you in my life.
i thought you're the one
but i was wrong....
and then you're gone.
you just left,
without leaving any traces.
i searched for you
but i was LOST
and got nowhere to go.
i have to admit
the pain you caused is unbearable.
but i have to LAUGH
just to hide my broken heart...
still i see u in my dreams
and even if i'm wide awake.
the warmth of your hug,
the sweetness of your kiss.
how i missed those things.
but then, i end up with a cry
because what you made me feel
was nothing but a LIE..
i grief upon this LOSS,
but maybe that's how love moves,-
with laughter and tears,
with pain and sufferings.
now, the LESSON to me is clear
and i learned it very well.
it's no use wasting my tears in you.
Because someday,
someone will come and will love me
not like the way you do...
Love: a four-letter word
so many times i've tried to define love. why? i don't know. maybe it started when i lost a friend (franz) because of this reason. LOve-(with "lla").
anyway here goes this article..
as what i've said above, so many times i've tried to define LOVE. some say "love makes the world go round." some also say that " it is the greatest gift from GOD." blahblahblah.. but none of these meanings could satisfy me enough to believe what it really is. how can i be? love could give heartaches and pains. it makes us all cry. it makes me cry.. (huhuhu)
some may disapprove of me for saying these, but i have all the reasons to question its true nature.
i LOVE my FAMILY. but sometimes, i ask myself, "do they also love me?" i've given all my best to make them happy and yet, it still seems not enough. they still expect more from me. i wonder if they can see my effort. i wonder why they can't accept me for who i am. i don't have super powers. i'm not Darna. i can never be the person they want me to be. i love them so much to the point that it hurts me because i don't feel the affection i need. and i hate feeling this pain.
MY FRIENDS: after being stupid enough to fall for someone who is not stupid enough to fall for them. what do they get? TEARS. they always end up crying. teary eyed, they would swear to me that they wouldn't fall again. they even said that they would commit suicide because they can't bear the pains that love had caused them. (Duh! they'll put and end to their lives just because some stupid jerk left them? how ridiculous!) but the moment those good-looking apes pass by, they go drooling over them. at first, everything would seem perfect-but what comes next? they would endure again another grieving process.
and for that, they come to me for advice- about these and about that, what to do and what not to do- as if i'm a love guru- yeah, a love guru whose advises they wouldn't follow. it really gets into my nerves to see them make the same foolish mistake again. i mean, why do they want to fall anyway? me? i'd rather get my pen and note, and take down all that popped out my mind than getting myself crazy over that good-for-nothing-adam's generation. (i'm not a man-hater though. it's just that i'm getting use of controlling myself over that situation.) but men? they would just give you heartaches. (except those "boy-friends" of mine who gets unlucky in love, wheeee...)
plus, love is supposed to make this world a better place, isn't it? but how come there are a lot of people starving? how come there are children begging on the streets? why are there conflicts and misunderstandings? is that what we call love? if you love somebody, would you let him/her suffer?
love is just a four-letter word. it is nothing but a biochemical reaction designed to make sure our genes get passed on. because if it isn't, convince me!
anyway here goes this article..
as what i've said above, so many times i've tried to define LOVE. some say "love makes the world go round." some also say that " it is the greatest gift from GOD." blahblahblah.. but none of these meanings could satisfy me enough to believe what it really is. how can i be? love could give heartaches and pains. it makes us all cry. it makes me cry.. (huhuhu)
some may disapprove of me for saying these, but i have all the reasons to question its true nature.
i LOVE my FAMILY. but sometimes, i ask myself, "do they also love me?" i've given all my best to make them happy and yet, it still seems not enough. they still expect more from me. i wonder if they can see my effort. i wonder why they can't accept me for who i am. i don't have super powers. i'm not Darna. i can never be the person they want me to be. i love them so much to the point that it hurts me because i don't feel the affection i need. and i hate feeling this pain.
MY FRIENDS: after being stupid enough to fall for someone who is not stupid enough to fall for them. what do they get? TEARS. they always end up crying. teary eyed, they would swear to me that they wouldn't fall again. they even said that they would commit suicide because they can't bear the pains that love had caused them. (Duh! they'll put and end to their lives just because some stupid jerk left them? how ridiculous!) but the moment those good-looking apes pass by, they go drooling over them. at first, everything would seem perfect-but what comes next? they would endure again another grieving process.
and for that, they come to me for advice- about these and about that, what to do and what not to do- as if i'm a love guru- yeah, a love guru whose advises they wouldn't follow. it really gets into my nerves to see them make the same foolish mistake again. i mean, why do they want to fall anyway? me? i'd rather get my pen and note, and take down all that popped out my mind than getting myself crazy over that good-for-nothing-adam's generation. (i'm not a man-hater though. it's just that i'm getting use of controlling myself over that situation.) but men? they would just give you heartaches. (except those "boy-friends" of mine who gets unlucky in love, wheeee...)
plus, love is supposed to make this world a better place, isn't it? but how come there are a lot of people starving? how come there are children begging on the streets? why are there conflicts and misunderstandings? is that what we call love? if you love somebody, would you let him/her suffer?
love is just a four-letter word. it is nothing but a biochemical reaction designed to make sure our genes get passed on. because if it isn't, convince me!
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