life's always been a great battle for me... it makes me cry and tired. i always end up restless and lost... but then, eventhough life's that hard to me, i still manage to smile... i still go on,. i stand up, start moving on and continue fighting... why? because you were there for me Tatay, during those times and that we face the battle together.. you made me go on fighting and everytime i look at you an amazing strength fills me and that i became strong again to ask for more battles..  you are ALWAYS THERE FOR ME TATAY never that you leave me alone... and I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I COULD EVER SAY. 

Tay, do you still remember when i was young? you always told me that i am a Daddy's girl... that you gave me anything i want eventhough i don't need it. you always cheer me up with those sweet candies and chocolates... you manage to control my tantrums by telling me stories which you create in your mind that lately i realized, i am that little girl in your story and the big man was you... 

you are the one who taught me how to swim (though i don't know how, and i stop learning because you once let me go- for me to learn it my own; and i got a phobia in swimming). you taught me how to cook though i am not a good chef. i remember when i was still young, everytime you go for work, i cried and never wanted you to go. and you tend to come back, carry me on your shoulders and buy me my favorite bread... after that you kiss me and told me that when you come home by afternoon you'll have something for me... and then i let you go, holding on to your promise that i have something when you come home.. and yes, there was... a toy, a bread, fruits, chocolates, dresses, anything that makes me happy... and that you gave me whatever i ask... 

as i grow up, i am still that Daddy's girl who would have anything i ask... so spoiled by you that i never care if your tired or sick... when i learned to go out with my friends and enjoy the moment of being away from home, i never thought of you missing me because i want to be with them, to be free and independent.. i never care about you worrying on me.. because what i am thinking, i can have anything and get it even beyond your limits... 

i even have the guts to tell you your mistakes and lapses on me... i even raised my voice with you... i forgot to give you respect and i became so bad... i even hated you for the times you say sorry when you can't easily give me what i'm asking for... i even compare you with my friend's dads just because i was angry... but then you never get angry with me ... worst, you never put a hand on me... never did you hurt me Tatay... only that i am hurting you... your feelings...And still you are proud of me as your daughter. 

now, seeing you in that hospital bed, i can't help but feel regrets for the moment that i missed... i never realized that you are getting old and that you need my attention... i'm sorry for i've been numb in your own needs Tatay. im sorry at times when you call my name and that i never answer.. i'm sorry at times i ignore you and prefer to be deaf, and be with my friends... i'm so sorry.. you make me so dependent of you Tay.. and i just can't let you go... 

i don't want you to leave me...i still can't stand on my own Tatay. i still want you to be near me and share with my happy moments..

(I wrote this letter one week before my birthday (oct.7, 2010), two years ago. One month and six days after i wrote this letter my dad passed away leaving me behind with tears...now, i have to be ALONE,. never again that i would have a father who wait wait for me to come home from school or work. never again that there would be someone who knows when i'm deeply sad, and would ask me if i'm alright. Never again that someone will cook for me my favorite "dinuguan"... i still can't let go... but i'm trying to be happy, to move on and continue living this so called life...Because i know, that's how Tatay wanted me to be. And  i know, someday Tatay and i will see each other in heaven and if that comes, i'll gladly accept it for i'm with my dearest Daddy... And i know he's waiting for me and my stories of how i live my life...I LOVE YOU, TATAY... FOREVER and I MISS YOU SO MUCH...)